his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
