Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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