No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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