nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
