I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
