you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
it's not cheating when I paid for it
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
