He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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