new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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