My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
