I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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