Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
