Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
