tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
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