she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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