Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
love makes seman taste better
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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