Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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