I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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