i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
