did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
