you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
