I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
