Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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