my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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