We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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