do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
