I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
