I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
