I look better un-naked...
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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