it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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