one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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