booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
