wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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