Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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