I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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