I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
