After last night, I could never be a politician.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
