you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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