its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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