I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
So vagazzling was a success
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
