Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
