I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Is Oprah even human
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Randomize
