How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
