I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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