So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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