I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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