weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
