apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
