you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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