I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
