I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
